


Panicky Holiday Blues

by zoeleigh



Category: Twenty One Pilots
Genre: Ambiguous Relationships, M/M, Mental Health Issues
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-12-31
Updated: 2017-12-31
Packaged: 2019-02-24 12:05:13
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,074
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13213395
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/zoeleigh/pseuds/zoeleigh
Summary: Josh is hosting a New Years party. Tyler feels like garbage and panic. The two don’t mix very well.bit of a vent fic,,, also unedited or betaed or even reread so eh





	Panicky Holiday Blues

Tyler felt like absolute garbage.

And not the funny meme kind or even the normal type, normal for him at least that is. 

Something about the holidays always knocked Tyler back a bit. He wasn’t sure why either, it wasn’t the socialization because the feeling would sit in long before there were family gatherings to attend and it wasn’t seeing all these other people so genuinely happy. It was something else entirely. And whatever it was wanted to keep Tyler homebound all of winter break. 

Josh was hosting his first New Years party. After years of failed attempts because of timing or whatever, there’s finally nothing in the way of Josh’s party. It was set for the LA apartment Josh shared with none other than his cat and the occasional Tyler or Mark. 

Honestly the timing was perfect, the next show was in California two days after New Years so Tyler could go spend three or so days in LA with Josh. Tyler had no objections to that part. He did love time apart from everyone else, but just Josh for a couple days is heaven. It was the fact that for over 12 hours most likely, there would be about 50 other people there too. Tyler wasn’t even sure about who all was coming and was quite certain he wouldn’t know everyone there, which made it all the more of an anxiety provoking situation. And, on top of that, Tyler was already fallen into one of the many dark holes littering his brain. 

Tyler’s sure that there’s a hole for every feeling possible and they all connect and go deeper and deeper till it’s all one giant hole he can never escape from. Usually, the holidays didn’t dig the singer too much further down than he’s used to, but with the added bonus of a huge event practically guaranteed to make it on to tabloids and everyone’s twitter feed, Tyler was drowning. 

It wasn’t even that Tyler didn’t want to go, it was the depression and the panic inside invoking the numbness keeping him from even having the slightest excitement about New Years. 

One would think that this far into the band’s career and success Ty would be accustomed to this industry norm of socializing. Yet the mere thought of people bouncing around with cups of alcohol in hand and in tight, uncomfortable outfits meant to accentuate their frames sent Tyler tumbling. Even worse was the idea that people would ask Tyler what his resolution was for the new year and he’d have to spew lies to make it sound like he wasn’t borderline suicidal on occasions. 

And of course, he couldn’t just say that he didn’t want to go, even though nothing bad would happen. Well nothing bad except the guilt that would eat him up inside for days because he had abandoned the person he loves the most on a night so important to him. Rationally, Tyler knew that Josh would understand and he wouldn’t push and that Josh would even try to ditch his own party to be with Tyler. However, despite knowing that, it would just fester in his brain until there was a huge wave to wipeout Tyler and everyone surrounding him.

So instead of visions of sugar plums dancing around in Tyler’s dreams, the horrifying nightmare of Josh leaving him, the band, and everything behind because Tyler was too sick to even manage a relatively small party. 

Tyler just wanted to kick himself over and over until he felt normal again. 

It’s all my fault, it’s all my fault. Why am I so shit? 

There were tears streaming down Tyler’s face as he curled up into a ball on the corner of his bed. A glance at the alarm clock a top his night stand told him it was just about 3 a.m. which meant that Josh would be sleeping soon. And Josh sleeping soon meant Josh calling soon because he called every night before he went to bed when they were apart, even though it was always middle of the night for Tyler. They both knew he was up anyways, whether Josh liked that or not didn’t take away the truth.

The inside of Tyler’s head screamed into the silence. Maybe if he just went ahead and slept. Or at least faked sleep. Then the conversation wouldn’t be able to happen, for the night at least. Tomorrow when Josh would surely call again, Tyler would be feeling better. He would be dried up from the tears and more able to lie about how fun the party will be. Even if Tyler did put a stop to the tears, he’s sure he couldn’t pull off a convincing lie anyways so it wouldn’t matter and he'd be crying again before the hour was up. 

Tyler just could not do that to Josh and break his heart. So he grabbed his phone off the bed and quickly keyed in that he was almost asleep and that he would call Josh in the morning. Before Josh could respond, the singer tossed his phone onto the opposite side of his bed after plugging it in to be charged.

It didn’t take long for Tyler to feel the vibration on the mattress of what was most definitely Josh’s response, which was probably some sweet message that would absolutely melt Tyler’s fragile heart. 

Slowly Tyler drifted off into the nightmare land he so dreaded.

His last thoughts of conscious choice were nothing but silent, internal pleas to his rational self to straighten out the panic inside of his slim body.

 

The morning came all too quickly and so did the reminder that Tyler had to pack and get on his flight to LA in the next several hours. But each minute made the panic worsen and grow. By the time the poorly man made it to LA, everything drives him into overload and there’s no time to regain sense because the party is only a few hours away and Tyler has to help set up and then help invite people in and then make sure no one steals or breaks anything and finally, sneak away in the little moments to cry a bit in the off limits bedroom and try to rub off all the germs and lack of comfortableness from the endless handshakes and hugs. 

At least Josh never had to know, and at least the garbage never got taken out.

**Author's Note:**

> hey guys sorry i have literally not posted since summer, like half a year ago lolololol   
> i’m okay i guess, kinda feeling those extra low holiday blues and don’t really want to go to my best friends new years party but also kinda really have to. also physically sick rn so that sucks.   
> i’m working on an actual decent fic that will hopefully be finished rather soon. it’s already over 4k so *lots of thumbs up* in that i’ll leave a proper update in the notes :)))


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